I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
