i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The uberlube is also flammable
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
