alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
