I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
