Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As shirtless as possible
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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