Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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