i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
