So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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