last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
