last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
