She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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