If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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