I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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