I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
