i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
