Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He better not be in your backpack
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
