He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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