If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
