I'm going to rape someone's good day.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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