I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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