my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
