Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
