You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
