Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
