no you cant smoke seaweed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
