Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
