So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
