Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
