I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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