A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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