she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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