I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize