i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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