She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
