how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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