just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
