This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
