I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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