i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
