Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Randomize
