just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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