my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
