He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
