We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
