Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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