dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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