I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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