while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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