I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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