just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
honey bunches of taint.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
