Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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