Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize