Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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