I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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