My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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