I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
barbara walters just said penis...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just had sex on a roof
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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