oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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